Parenting after divorce isn’t simply about schedules and custody agreements. It’s about choosing how to live, for yourself and with your children, in ways that align with your purpose. For me, that purpose has long been clear: live fully by living differently.
When “Why” No Longer Aligns
The end of my marriage wasn’t a single moment. It was a slow recognition that our why for life had shifted. I leaned into balance: work, family, and experiences. My former partner, however, seemed to prioritize the children to the point of losing themselves.
Neither path is wrong. Yet when our why no longer aligns, living fully together becomes impossible.
Accepting that truth was painful but necessary. From it came a question: How can I parent differently?
For vs. With the Kids
One of the clearest differences in our approaches is this: doing things for the kids versus doing things with the kids.
- For: preparing meals without sitting at the table to share them, buying games but never playing, directing every activity without leaving room for the kid’s choice.
- With: cooking and eating together, joining in on play, listening to what matters most to them, even when it’s inconvenient.
For me, joy lives in with. Children don’t just need providers. They need companions in exploration, laughter, and growth.
Boundaries Protect Respect
Divorce doesn’t erase conflict. At times, it magnifies it when two people hold different perspectives. I’ve learned that respecting my children and myself means setting boundaries:
- Meeting in public spaces when exchanges might otherwise spark arguments.
- Allowing my kids to express preferences, such as one child wanting to play drums instead of violin, even if those choices aren’t immediately practical.
- Saying no to imposed plans or gifts when they disrupt the flow of my time with the kids.
Boundaries are not walls. They are invitations to healthier interactions, places where respect can breathe.
Choosing Differently for the Kids’ Sake
Parenting differently doesn’t mean standing in opposition. It means consciously choosing actions that align with principles and values, regardless of how another parent might approach them.
- I practice gratitude, thankful that my ex nurtures music in the children, a gift I cannot give.
- I model empowerment, encouraging my children to voice their interests, even when they differ from expectations.
- I act purposefully, balancing discipline with curiosity, rules with flexibility.
In these small ways, I live fully with my children, not just for them.
A Final Thought
Parenting after divorce will always carry tension. Yet within that tension lies choice. The choice to repeat old patterns of control and conflict. Or the choice to live differently, with boundaries, respect, and presence.
I choose the latter. Not perfectly, not without struggle, but fully. In the end, what my children need most is not perfection. It is presence. And presence requires living differently, together.
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